`` STARS ARE JUST THE HOLES TO HEAVEN-*

Thursday, April 29, 2004

I never knew his name..
they never warned me he came
silently, unnoticed.
his head hung in shame..

only me i hope.. know of this gains..
his sliding hair caused me turbulations..
his arching back caused me strain..

his darkness clothed me..
and i am milky white..
his smile..
oh.

his hands..
silently strong..
i squeled and weakened..
his voice.. deep and rich..
and i became mutted..

opposites attract.. in two ways 4 me..

i curse..
he prayed..
i violate..
he obeyed..
i tore..
he mended..

and now..
he ripped..
i wait..
he angered..
i soothed..
he frustrate..
i wept..

us.
we.

so far.. i could hear ur whispers..
to my heart..
they were plain..
cos i made them up..
are you just a picture i paint?
or are u the only portrait with colours of my soul.

i think i'm thinking too much
about me thinking too much..
if u get the jitz..
:i'm in the pits..

i think i accomplished..
they think it had to be a miracle..
i think of no deal..
they think i got chance..
i was so happy i could tap dance.. (some kinda rhyme huh? i suck)
they told me not to ponder too much..

i am building a one handed relationship..
it was getting to tall..
but when i am at the summit..
i feel like i'm falling..
i forgot i've got height phobia..

maybe that's when he'll catch me..
maybe.. i'm adding another level to my tall building..
and then they'll tell me he's a mud house..

and i wonder which is the reality..
cos i can't trust myself ..
yet.. my distrusted self did not trust others..
who.

`` timed out-- 4/29/2004 09:21:00 PM

Gosh.. i broke my policy and exam time table.. in just a day..
i outdid myself..
bravo

wth..
hai..

not happy, not sad either..
not crying.. not smiling either
not satisfied..
not empty either..
too much thinking..
not being sober..

stressed up to a banana..
i'm wearing pants, ma!
peeled off naked..
yet i can't even see my own bareness..
lying to others..
to myself neverthless..
not even aware..
not willing to share

friggin impatient..
not understanding..
standing before me..
seeking the only me..
gone like a fart..
shocked like a dart..
wavering to me..
beckoning to me..
sadly..

me back..! me back!! she cried..

come ccccomme!! i cried..

she went further and further..
i could not see her trace..
and so.. i'm left with only me..
not very happy to be...
just the brand new, packaged, unknown me.

Why do people write about themselves i never know..
to express a thing or two maybe.
but i plead guilty as one of them
and prayed for those starving in Arabia
Africa..

i could believe that my blood is cloned..
from the other me
the shading past
shedding past

i could believe i am selfish.
that i love,so to be loved
maybe not truefuly

i could believe i am obnoxious..
thinking of sniding remarks even to my closed ones..
the secret private dirty me.

i could accept all those..
but i could not accept the same old brand new me.

`` timed out-- 4/29/2004 09:05:00 PM

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Just came back from Oral.. The English one was ok.. But the chinese..lol.. crap lah.. wth anyway..
Just hope they'll be lenient cos this is our Prelim..

J told me a Very shocking inccident about AB yesterday.. But somehow.. I'm pleasantly shocked..lol..
Signs of violence.. and I actually think he's rather manly..LOL
Got a stupid dream yesterday.. Lol.. but was really sad when i woke up.. Itx rather lovely really.. I remember i dreamt that my Dad kidnapped Mitchell 4 me cos i like him once.. Lol.. and now My Dad kidnapped Appleboy lol.. Really.. i wonder what it means..
And i was like.. avoiding him although he's like in my hus.. But.. hmm.. got a rather nostalgic feeling that is still not shaken off up till now...
Like a sense of warm bond with him..lol..maybe cos of the dream..wth anyway..

Staarted this " No Vulgaraties" Policy 4 myself.. cos of him la.. Lol.. working out ok so far.. i only get to curse in my blog..lol.. so i'm gonna curse like a frggin' sailor in here..!

`` timed out-- 4/24/2004 11:34:00 AM

Monday, April 19, 2004

Stressing my freakin' ass off to itx very last tissue, red blood cell, white blood cell.. atom. and watever is inside there.. (thank God I dun take Bio)

Siao!!! Lit test 2molo.. Ting Xie abt 80 words.. on the same day.. and then on Wendesday.. Chinese test.. and then Art Mid- yr.. And people keep telling me i'm lagging behind 4 my Art O level.. And Art CA gotta write one compo or something abt my coursework.. by Wendnesday... N here i am.. typing away like a wind.. not giving everything any heck of a damn.. i have still yet to touch my lit and ting xie..

To all the freaking people hu are still sane out there.. PLz tie me up on a straight jacket and favour me by relocating me in a new hospital..

WOW.. lately i've been swearing ALOT.. ok.. so itx not only lately.. but the point is.. Just now.. there's this stupid car outside our school, hu do not seem to understand the meaning of a green man.. He just went freaking across the road, and almost ran into my sis.. And he got of all the bloody nerves to honk his stupid pathetic honk at my sis.. waving his arm disapprovingly somemore And so i, being me, showed him some attitude.. I went screaming behind his car after he's gone.. all the motorcyclist hu could hear me were freakin' staring.. but i just wanna make my point.. And so there i was, raving at the traffic light and cursing away like a sailor..

Wat if he sees me like that? I think that will be a relief though.. cos that's me.. but then again.. i wun exactly fit the pictutre of the angel with nice pretty wings he have of me.. wun i? *polishes rusty halo desperately*

Think i'm gonna start this habit of not being a curser (l ol.. change the 'e' to an 'o'.. and show me the mouse..) till i see him.. i just hope he curses as much as me la.. but then again.. maybe not..

`` timed out-- 4/19/2004 08:24:00 PM

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Ok.. eating fan choy now.. jilagak.. from 9 something eat till now.. and its a pathetic share too!!
damn.. no mood to eat.. and it smelled so mouth watering in the car!!
and u wanna know y?
cos i saw AB's photo..
lol.. but in a good way la..
but he's like.. not the AB i remembered.. he look so much more mature..!!
and he not as dark as J's bro claimed wat..
lol.. juz now.. i went to Jul's hus.. supposed to go for tiution.. but went to her hus to sleep instead.. lol.. cos her hus just behind the bus-stop.. anyway.. i just woke up, with my left hand freakin' numb.. but that's not the highlight of the day..
Just as i was climbing outta her bed, ok.. matress.. she got a call.. from J!! lol.. i think she wanted my no. or something .. but then Jul went: " huh?! ta jiu zai zhe li!", saying that i'm @ her house.. and then that's when chaos came.. lol.. she said AB is at her house.. and sleeping.. lol.. a whole lot of silliness really.. but i was freakin' my skimpy ass off.. Wth... got to takl to him again.. but not for long though.. we were both speechless, and i called him to go back to sleep.. hahax.. J said he didn't sleep yesterday.. And then gotta tok to J's bro again.. and man.. got nothing more to say.. but i am left with mixed feelings.. And J sent me a photo, she said her bro took using a handphone(God knows whose..) and that's how i ended up with the fan choy still staring sadly at me...

But it sure brighten up the dead life (paradox) i've been leading lately!!! now i'm even smiling to my sis.. yes.. the younger one.. i know.. i muz be very happy..

`` timed out-- 4/14/2004 09:51:00 PM

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Friggin' bad mood
feel like just shouting every bad word in the dic i noe..
but too tired..
was even too tired to bathe.. lol.. but will, b4 i sleep ..
feel like just talking and yapping to someone really close.. was with jul juz now, at Compass Point.. but wth.. she gotta go home.. friggin brain of mine.. can't stop nagging that the O's are reaching.. wth.. this is the perfect moment to die...
feel like just hugging someone so tightly.. never letting go... just want it to be him..
who will be there for me..?

`` timed out-- 4/10/2004 09:58:00 PM

Friday, April 09, 2004

I like blogging because i can actually talk to myself.. with no comments ..lol! that's y i don't have a tagboard.

`` timed out-- 4/09/2004 11:02:00 PM

I think my likeness for him is turning into anger... really angry at him.. feel like just going up to him, and shout:" WHAT'S UR PROBLEM MAN?!" and then just leave him there, ignoring him for the rest of my life.. but until then, still waiting...

`` timed out-- 4/09/2004 10:54:00 PM

Keep feeling low these days..

i wanna mock at myself.. just that i'm too tired to do so...

Chel told me he got stomach ulser.. so gotta go check uop wat's the cure.. hahax.. as if i will..
not gonna care bout him animore la
figured if it comes, i'll just recieve it.. but i'm just afraid that the feeling will be dead le, by the time anything comes.. if it is, that is..
wth..

Good Friday today.. was just looking into the mirror to see if i'll pass 4 an eighteen.. wanna go watch "the passsion of the Chrst".. idiotic eh..?

was feeling holy somemore..

just really feel like banging my head .. did.

maybe that's y i've been feeling idiotic these days.. i shall go ask my head..

Me:" yoyoyo.. wazzup man?"

Head:" nothing.. as usual"

Me:" oh.. rite.. *sucks thumb* so.. y is it that u failed me during the tests..? and ur the cause of my deteoring results in my chinese compos!"

Head:" U Shut Up.. "

Me:" oh yeah?! "

*Me attacks Head*

above: tha's how i ended up banging my head even harder.

Been discredicted of late.. wth.. the notice board and the lit thing.. dun wanna tok about it, so gotta write it here.. only nat reads it anwae.. and i'll tell her to shut up.
(nat: just jk.. thanks 4 coming in here often yaeh? *huggs*)

P.S: nat (okok.. Roxette..).. wat did u do to those bandages..?

`` timed out-- 4/09/2004 10:49:00 PM

Monday, April 05, 2004

ok.. what the heck? i tot i erased the stupid mermaid quiz 4rm my blog already?! so y is it doing under there?! ok.. lemme go ask it..

Me:" hello.. mermaid dear..? what are you doing here?"
Miss Mermaid Dear:" erm.. (bubbles erupting from her mouth) just.. swimming sround..?"
Me: (plucking her scales)" well.. will you get outta my blog?"
Miss Mermaid Dear:" Why.. that's not a very nice thing to say my dear.."
Me:(plucking viciously now, and fishes out a "scalor", or watever u se to remove fish' scales with)

*THE FOLLWING PARTS BELOW ARE nc 18*

Me:(cleaning my hands and gulping in the tail that was sticking outta my mouth and chews..)

Anyway, Jul saw MEANS today!!!!! we were like.. oh.. dun get me started.. makes me miss A.B more... sigh~

`` timed out-- 4/05/2004 08:07:00 PM